AK MCGRATH

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Posts by AK MCGRATH

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  23

  6 YEARS AFTER FADING, I RUN INTO JW'S FROM MY OLD HALL

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  i knew one day it would happen.

  i often wondered how i would react.

  well, sometimes things don't work out exactly as planned.. last weekend i went back home to chi-town to finally clean out a locker my sister and i share.

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  AK MCGRATH

  @Billy..lol Good idea! When I thought of planting one on her, I coulda said, "Oh, have you met my sister? We're a very close family."
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  23

  6 YEARS AFTER FADING, I RUN INTO JW'S FROM MY OLD HALL

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  i knew one day it would happen.

  i often wondered how i would react.

  well, sometimes things don't work out exactly as planned.. last weekend i went back home to chi-town to finally clean out a locker my sister and i share.

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  AK MCGRATH

  @ crushed~Yes, it is sad! It is sad, depressing, suicidal and if you're lucky, you get the hell out of there before you finally do yourself in! For me it all came to a standstill. I refused to be a hypocrite and I couldn't take my depressive state any longer. I literally decided which was worse in Jehovah's eyes~suicide or being gay? Since "The Society" seemed to be of the mindset that suicide was the worse sin of the two, and my own belief that life is a gift from God, then my decision was made. I would leave, being open to being/living gay. I couldn't be any more depressed than I was, and in my late 30's, I still had some life left in me to find happiness and love. I try not to be bitter and think of my 20's and 30's as being wasted years, seeing how my life has ended up, as I did have some great times and met some beautiful people in the "truth". Still, from time-to-time I can't help but think, what if I never pursued my study. However, I can't change the past, yet I can be hopeful for my future more than ever.

  @ clearpoison~Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Who said anything about the "M" word? lol But yea, I was thinking for a split second, well, if I give her a big ol kiss right here and now, that would solve the inquisition! LMAO
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  23

  6 YEARS AFTER FADING, I RUN INTO JW'S FROM MY OLD HALL

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  i knew one day it would happen.

  i often wondered how i would react.

  well, sometimes things don't work out exactly as planned.. last weekend i went back home to chi-town to finally clean out a locker my sister and i share.

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  AK MCGRATH

  Paul..lol @ the BUSTED comment. I agree about the friends who love you despite...however, I do understand where my folmer friends are coming from. I would shun me if I were in their shoes. Afterall, we were all programmed the same, weren't we?

  Steve~Thank you for the comments. I do agree with the fear thing, but I think it is out of respect and love for my friends. Like I said, I am fine with who I am, but at the same time, I do have great love and compassion for them still. At least in this point in my life, I would still withhold the truth from them, to spare them turmoil.

  At the same time, I wish like hell I could just contact them and show them what I have found out about the truth. That is bigger for me than to let them know your old pal Jo is a dyke..lmao (although I bet some people wouldn't be surprised by it either...but that's a whole other embarassing story). I know if I broach either subject, it will be a shot into the heart and mind, and it is not something I am willing to put either of us through at the moment. I may never do it...I may take a chance and decide whom I will contact. It is the unknown for now..and I'm ok with that.
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  23

  6 YEARS AFTER FADING, I RUN INTO JW'S FROM MY OLD HALL

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. experiences

  i knew one day it would happen.

  i often wondered how i would react.

  well, sometimes things don't work out exactly as planned.. last weekend i went back home to chi-town to finally clean out a locker my sister and i share.

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  AK MCGRATH

  I knew one day it would happen. I often wondered how I would react. Well, sometimes things don't work out exactly as planned.

  Last weekend I went back home to Chi-town to FINALLY clean out a locker my sister and I share. I have had a terrible cold that's been kicking my ass for the past two weeks. So after lunch, and right before we get ready to return home to Michigan, my girlfriend and I go to Walgreens to try to get some Cepacol cuz my damn throat has been killing me!

  Now, I have mentioned from time-to-time that I'm just waiting to run into someone every time I visit the fam. My girlfriend humors me, and has offered suggestions on what to do. I'VE thought about what I would do...sometimes playing out differenct scenarios in my head (I tend to do that especially if I'm listening to music for a variety of circumstances..lol)

  So we pop on into Walgreens and as we're heading to the cold medicine isle, I glance down an isle and SHIT! It's "T" and her mom! I pick up my pace and dart for the cold medicine. My g-friend lagging behind catches up to me while I'm in one isle and feverishly looking for this damn CEPACOL!

  I wispered to her, "I know those two! They used to go to my old hall. I want to get out of here quick. Where the HELL is this damn throat spray!?" Was Jehovah withholding it from me? Was it SATAN? Was a spirit screwing with me and hiding it behind his back till they approached me?

  I moved to another isle. In the next one I heard "T" say to he mother, "she's in the next isle". I was getting a little panicky and looking in those big ass mirrors Wags has for shoplifting, or for JW's to hunt down unsuspecting former JW's.

  Finally my mind must've been stronger than the spirits, because I FINALLY located that damn bottle, got my g-friend to give me her wallet so I could get outta dodge ASAP and meet her in the car while she had to use the bathroom. How inconsiderate of her~doesn't she realize I'm fearing for my life here? lol

  Well, I scurry to the register, and thank God I knew her PIN code, cuz I couldn't locate the $ that was in her wallet...again the forces working against me here, and scadattled into my Scion Xb.

  Now, some of you may call me paranoid (or other things), but let me tell you...this mother and daughter duo got into their suv and waited there. I am not kidding. They waited for about 10 minutes in their vehicle, which was not too far from mine. So, not wanting them to see my "You Have The Right To Be Who You Are", and Equality sickers on the Scion, I move. That's right. I actually move my friggin car, so they "can't find any fault" or try to do a little witch hunt to determine if I am or not in, the "Truth".

  You know how things go. GOSSIP CITY! Not that I was close to them really, but these two know many of my close former JW friends from two halls we both went to. This family in particular has always been a little out there, and so many times would not attend meetings themselves for "small" reasons. But whatever. I have no idea what my old congo or friends think of or know of me these past years. But as I was reflecting on that whole fiasco, I came to the conclusion that something must be up. Otherwise, I think they would have come up to me and said, J*** or Sister B***, how are you? We haven't seen you in a long time...and go from there.

  In my mind, I thought if I ever ran into an olf friend or elder, I would just pretend I was inactive. My publisher card is still at that congre in Chicago, so the elders (and most likely everyone else) would know if I was attending another hall. I just had always hoped I wouldn't run into someone, although I honestly thought I was biding my time. Time was up last weekend.

  What I have tried for so long, no matter the pain and lonliness it has caused to me to get up and leave, is to protect my friends from acutally finding out the truth about me. About me no longer being interested in the "Truth" and that I live my life as a gay woman. I don't flaunt it, but I am who I am. And I care about them too much to hurt them. It has nothing to do about me being embarrassed of who I am. I have been ashamed almost all my life, and I refuse to be for the next half of it. But I do still care for and love my old friends deeply, despite what I think of the WTBTS.

  When I was fading, and really, the term should be, "in a horribly depressed state", I had to make a literal life or death decision, I was hardly going to any meeting, and then stopped altogether. Moving out of state helped tremendously. No one could just come over and I had less chance of running into someone. In the beginning year of my move, I would get calls from my best friend. Then I wouldn't answer her calls or answer her messages. It just got too hard to lie to her or hold back my tears when all I really wanted was to blurt out the truth and then ask if she would still be my friend. I would never put her in that position or pain.

  I do keep in touch with a younger friend of mine, who sought me out and found me on FB, and is also gay. He is a part of a family I LOVE, yet he was never baptized. His family still accepts him, and he has promised me he will not tell them of my current state. His younger sister has even sent me a FB friend request, and as mush as I'd love to, I will not accept it. Once anyone were to see it, it would become clear I am no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I would not want to cause her or her family any grief, and so this is my "cross" to bear.

  It is great to be out, eyes wide opened and learning the sad truth about "The Truth", as well as being able to just be me...faults 'n all. But the downside is losing friends you thought would be lifetime, close friends that were like family...closer than family in my case. However, it is nice to know that in life, there are no determined amount of friends you can have, and so I appreciate a whole set of friends that have come into my life since leaving the truth, albeit a small group. I always say you can never have too many friends, and so I am hopeful I will gain many more meaningful relationships before I pass on. Afterall, what is a life without friendship? I shudder to think.
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  46

  My Partner and I have been together for 10 years today!

  by ohiocowboy in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i am very proud that we have been together for 10 years!

  being raised a jw, it was always hard for me to find a long term relationship.

  most people that i met weren't interested in anything long term, and each time one ended, it left me feeling like i would never find someone who shared the same feelings.

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  AK MCGRATH

  CONGRATULATIONS to you and the love of your life, COWBOYI think it's wonderful you've been able to find true happiness and love, in spite of your past. I wish you many wonderful years together as you both grow old together
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  51

  Bloodplates... Can it Really be Justified?

  by mrbunyrabit in

  1. watchtower
  2. medical

  i was thinking about something.. getting a blood transfution.. thats wrong right?

  oky and theres allot of scriptures supporting that.. so is giving blood at a bloodbank allowed for witnesses?

  no, its not allowed.... oky so heres my question.... witnesses are allowed to use blood plates... where does those blood plates come from?.

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  AK MCGRATH

  I remember going to a hospital in Chi-town where there was a seminar on non-blood surgery and the benefits of it. I enjoyed it at the time, but two things always struck me: It is a matter of one's own consious whether or not you would be willing to recycle your own blood by this machine cleaning it and flowing right back into your own body, all in one fell swoop. It would benefit those most who had a blood disease, I would imagine.

  The second thing was that it could be ok to accept blood fractions, cuz well, we have come so far in science, etc. that they can derrive fractions from whole blood, and so a fraction would not necessarily be "taking in blood".

  When it came time for the new medical directive aka "blood card" to be filled out and witnessed, with these"new understandings" I commented to my friends, who were eager to be a witness (Can I get a witness, brothers & sisters?), I stated that in no uncertain terms would I accept blood of any kind. They looked like a dear in headlights and said, but now, if it is ok with your consious, you CAN accept fractions. Are you sure you don't want that? I reasoned (or tried to), "if a fraction or anything else comes from primary, whole or whatever kind of blood, THEN IT IS STILL ACCEPTING BLOOD!" Well, not really, cuz...blah blah blah (I do love my friends, but they made as much sense to me as I probably did to them-NONE.)

  "Well, what about the machine?" they asked, dismayed. ME: "So, we CANNOT donate or even SAVE OUR OWN blood, yet we can have a machine that continues to circulate and cleanse our blood outside our body, and then brings it back in again?" Yes! ME: "Huh? The blood is still TECHNICALLY outside your body." Them: "Well, not really, because the "machine" is just a facilitator." ME: "HUH? It is no difference in using that "advancement in technology" to store your own blood for later use, or using another "advancement in technology" called a blood transfusion." The "machine" isn't part of our natural bodies, so WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? Ugg. They meant well. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. I readily admit it, but all that techy, mumbo jumbo crap just seemed like even WTBTS powers that be, were looking for loopholes around their own blood issues.

  I stuck to my guns, and then they looked at me all cock-eyed when the DPA came up and I wasn't on the bandwagon about some other new advancement in science vs. what a witness can or cannot accept, according to their own consious. WHATEVER! Maybe this explains why I am no longer in the "Truth" and they are. I still have my medical directive. It took a few years before I yanked it out of my wallet (when I carry one). It is now sitting in my car's ashtray. Every now and then I take a gander, if only to see my friends' signature. We had some GREAT times. It's just a pity all the way around.
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  22

  WORLDS APART~TEEN JW MOVIETONIGHT ON SUNDANCE @ 7 EST.

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i was just flipping through the channels to find something for the woman i care for to watch, and i came across a movie tonight on the sundance channel called, "worlds apart".

  it is about a jehovah's witness teen who falls in love with someone who is not.. although i can't watch it now, i am taping it.

  i couldn't look to see if it is a documentary of sorts, but i bet it will be interesting to say the least.. it's on at 7 pm tonight, eastern.

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  AK MCGRATH

  Thank you CC. I will look over that thread.

  I only thought the only brothers in the USA that could get away with wearing beards were in Alaska, and that was to protect their face somewhat from the cold. Alaska and those zany brothers in California who I used to hear watched R rated movies to boot.
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  22

  WORLDS APART~TEEN JW MOVIETONIGHT ON SUNDANCE @ 7 EST.

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i was just flipping through the channels to find something for the woman i care for to watch, and i came across a movie tonight on the sundance channel called, "worlds apart".

  it is about a jehovah's witness teen who falls in love with someone who is not.. although i can't watch it now, i am taping it.

  i couldn't look to see if it is a documentary of sorts, but i bet it will be interesting to say the least.. it's on at 7 pm tonight, eastern.

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  AK MCGRATH

  An elder with a beard? Subtitled? Where did this take place? Why do I feel this movie is going to take me through ups & downs like watching a Chicago sports team? If that's the cae, I, too will be yelling at the tv.

  Sounds like everyone likes it so far. YAY Seems like a happy ending.
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  22

  WORLDS APART~TEEN JW MOVIETONIGHT ON SUNDANCE @ 7 EST.

  by AK MCGRATH in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  i was just flipping through the channels to find something for the woman i care for to watch, and i came across a movie tonight on the sundance channel called, "worlds apart".

  it is about a jehovah's witness teen who falls in love with someone who is not.. although i can't watch it now, i am taping it.

  i couldn't look to see if it is a documentary of sorts, but i bet it will be interesting to say the least.. it's on at 7 pm tonight, eastern.

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  AK MCGRATH

  So the movie is based on a true life experience, and is not a pure documentary. By that I mean, the actual girl was not being filmed and followed around. I suppose that could never happen though with JW parents, though.

  Glad to know some of the details that have been provided. Thanks ya'll! Makes me want to see this all the more so.
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  17

  Cult Free Radio on the air this Saturday night with special guest Barbara Anderson

  by Mad Sweeney in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  that's right.

  barbara anderson will be on cult free radio this saturday evening at 10pm eastern time.. show up to listen and post your questions on the social stream for me to ask her.. https://www.facebook.com/cultfreeradio.

  http://www.ustream.tv/channel/cult-free-radio.

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  AK MCGRATH

  Is this going to be available for us to hear after Saturday? I'll be on my vava, but would LOVE to hear it!!

  TY to Barbara and you, CFR ^_^